.png)
Have you ever considered that miracles don’t always come in the form of healing? Don't misunderstand me here.... I believe God is our healer. I believe in a moment, He can make the blind see, the lame walk, the dead brought back to life.... I believe this because scripture testifies of His healing power. He is after all Jehovah Rapha. BUT I believe that sometimes, God's miracles come in the way of giving us the strength to endure suffering. I ask this question, "Have you ever considered that miracles don't always come in the form of healing?" because what if we’re missing the miracles in the lives of those whose circumstances don’t seem to change—people who don’t have the typical “success” stories? I’m talking about those who have prayed and begged for healing and isn't seeing it YET!
My story
I can’t even tell you the date I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, but I remember researching it when I got home from the doctor that day. I remember thinking after being diagnosed…. “Surely, I’m not “that kind” of crazy, I know I don’t have it all perfectly together yet but really… Bipolar?” Even after all that research, I still don’t understand the science behind all of it, but I know how I FEEL.
Back in August 2024 I started ultra rapid cycling through some hypomania and depression…. The Lows were the lowest of lows…. I’m talking CRIPPLING DEPRESSION.
I was having coffee with our Youth Pastor one morning and I was explaining…. (more like complaining) about ultra-rapid cycling. She spoke a word, telling me to just listen for Jesus…. To not wait to memorize scripture but to plaster Gods word around my house so that no matter mania or depression, I could cling to scripture. Speak it out loud. She told me to WORSHIP THROUGH IT. She was on fire; I fought back tears in the middle of that coffee shop. Tears of thanksgiving that someone of faith knew that I wasn’t far from Jesus that I just was struggling with a type of darkness that comes with living in a fallen world. It meant a lot to me that she didn’t tell me that I was lacking faith. She sat and listened and encouraged me in that moment. She gave me small doable tasks that I could accomplish when I was stable. Things that would benefit me while I was manic or depressed.
Later that week, I started to crash. Before that meeting with Taylor, when depression would creep in, I would start listening to secular music because “those people” get me! Not like church people… The world knows this darkness that I was experiencing but church people, nah. They got their stuff together. They don’t understand what this feels like. Mental health issues in the church are usually treated more like a lack of faith; but it’s a legitimate issue and if you battle mental illness then you need to know that JESUS SEES YOU! He’s with you always. God doesn’t judge whether our sorrow is “valid” but because of His compassion, He catches every tear that is shed.
Psalms 56:3 says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
On Sat Aug 24, 2024, I had an encounter with God. In the middle of my depression, thoughts of suicide plaguing me…. I decided to turn on the worship playlist that I had created while stable like Pastor Taylor had suggested. Something I normally never do. Once I turned on Hailey Hibbard’s song, “Faithful through it all” I felt something in my mind and my heart begin to shift in those moments. Then “Jesus Here’s Everything” came on….. Then “Yet” by The King Will Come and “Flowers” by Samantha Ebert. These songs showed me I wasn’t alone. The lyrics spoke to feeling alone and lost and in those moments, and I began to feel seen. I felt His presence… unlike I have ever felt. How can you feel depressed and secure at the same time. It’s a feeling I can’t put to words… BUT I knew he was showing me that HE WANTS ME TO GIVE THIS TO HIM…..
God wants EVERYTHING…. He wants ALL of you! The part that you wanna hide, he wants you to give that up. Not to show your weakness but to reveal to you, HIS STRENGTH! It's when we are vulnerable that God can use that to bring HIM GLORY!
I heard a powerful saying, “Satan dines on whatever it is that you withhold from God.”
And That’s why God wants everything…. He doesn’t want you holding onto something so that the devil has a foothold. He wants it all because HE LOVES YOU! What have you kept shoved down deep inside your soul that you thought no one else needs to know about? God wants you to give that to Him so that the devil can’t continue to dine on it. YES, even depression. Even bipolar, even grief, even the ugly stuff you think you have to work through on your own. Instead of sitting in the ugly, give it to Jesus…. HOW? You got to find what thing works to help you look up out of that pit and see Jesus reaching down to pull you out. For me, that is worship music. It’s preparing while I’m stable and happy, for the moment when I’m depressed and down. Its countering the LIES with scripture, like Jesus did in the wilderness. It’s letting Him capture my tears.
The following Sunday, after my Jesus encounter, I didn’t want to go to church but I forced myself, depression written all over me… I felt heavy. I went forward at the alter call and I felt God begin to mend me.
PEACE.
OIL OF GLADNESS.
BEAUTY FROM ASHES.
FREEDOM.
Those were the words spoken over me that morning at the altar. This visiting Pastor had no idea that I needed these words; he had no idea that Isaiah 61:3 is my favorite verse, but the Holy Spirit did. Jesus wanted me to know that He sees me! Throughout the day, I could feel God mending the broken places.
He wants to reveal something to you in the hard seasons. For me…. He is teaching me about His presence and promises. He trades beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3). He HEALS. He gives rest to the weary! He mends the brokenhearted…. There’s no distance between us. He is our shelter, our resting place, and when we worship Him and give Him the darkness, the ugly stuff, He is there, MENDING…. Giving us a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I have thought a lot about the thorn that Paul lived with.
2 Corinthians 12:7-9 says, “There was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, BUT He said, ”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness!”
Sometimes we live with thorns…. We want so badly for God to take something away, to heal us, to prevent a certain situation from happening... BUT God uses our pain for His purpose and for His glory. That hardship you are going through…. IT’S NOT MEANINGLESS! Its DOING SOMETHING! It may not look like it in the middle of it but its serving a purpose in your life…. Your “hard season” or your “thorn in the flesh” is there to teach you something…. How else are we supposed to relate or empathize with others dealing with thorns if we haven’t experienced them and learned the lessons in those seasons? God wants to use you to reach others and most of the time HE USES THE DIFFICULT STUFF YOU HAVE WALKED THROUGH to do that.
Our thorns can threaten to suffocate our faith, but if we learn to trust God and live with them, they can actually deepen our faith and bring growth to our lives.
“Some people complain that roses have thorns, I’m just glad that thorns have roses.” - Alphonse Karr
Sometimes our lives are strangled by thorns…. BUT God hears our cries, and He sends roses… sometimes bouquets of them! REMEMBER in the midst of your own struggles, you can be God’s rose to other hurting people. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR DIFFICULT SEASON!
God stopped the rapid cycling and the mixed episodes but I’m still waiting on my ultimate healing, whether it's this side of heaven or not is up to Jesus BUT in the middle of my pain, I know He is working! He provided medication that has given me stability. He has surrounded me with an amazing support system and giving me all the tools I need to live a normal life where Bipolar isn't ruling.
In the middle of my darkness, God led me to a sweet group of women - semi forced together in a waiting room 2x per week. The first week there we had accidental church. Ha. God showed up right there with us and we were an emotional mess. It was amazing. Later, I felt the spirit prompt me to ask these ladies if they would like to do weekly devotionals together.... and to my surprise, they were open to it.... Little did I know, God was bringing to life something He revealed to me back in February 2024… In the middle of my darkest days, God provided a VILLAGE! That village ended up being far reaching... What a turn around!
God has shown me that your testimony has the power to set the bound free…. You have been equipped to overcome the enemy by the blood of Jesus and with your testimony. Start by being open with others about what you are dealing with, and you will be surprised at those struggling alone, in the dark, trying to hold together a façade of perfection because they think they will be judged for not having enough faith. You could be the person to open the door for them. You could be a lens through which they see Jesus because you choose to be vulnerable. Wait for the prompting of The Holy Spirit; but be obedient! HE WILL USE THIS! Just remember to sit with Him. Listen. Repent and WORSHIP HIM in the middle of your darkness! That is where you will encounter Jesus!
<3 Michelle Warren
Comments